this is it

sprung

2010-03-21T11:15:00.002-08:00

It's official - spring is here! It's easy for me to keep track of the vernal equinox, with it being my birthday and all. And my husband's birthday. And his twin brother's birthday. Sharing a birthday can be a bummer, but I won't elaborate on that now because so far this one has been a-ok. The three of us get together every birthday and have supper, taking turns from year to year on who pays or cooks. This year we'll be going out to one of our favorite restaurants for a meal that's already making my mouth water: macadamia encrusted halibut stuffed with king crab. That makes my frosted mini wheats breakfast feel pretty unsubstantial sitting in my tummy.

What else for today? Well, some family drama last night. In a nutshell, the dear husband ticked off his little nephew at a family gathering a few months ago. We thought that all was fine and forgotten since the tears had been replaced by laughter by the end of the night. Imagine our surprise when he opened his birthday card and saw that, along with the b-day wishes, the 7 year old wrote: You're a devil you made me cry happy birthday NOT!

I'll spare you the details of what followed (from virtually EVERY one of my in-laws). But here are my feelings on the subject - as parents, why on earth would you send that card? If the kiddo was really that upset by it, why didn't his folks get in touch with us sooner to address it? Or, better yet, use it as a teaching opportunity for him to learn that holding onto anger and frustration isn't healthy? There has been something weird between my husband and this particular brother (the boy's father) for years. It seems pretty clear to me that this is an issue between the two of them and it has nothing at all to do with the kid.

Enough on that - at least it brought some tough topics to light for the family. And we'll certainly remember this birthday. The card, however, is covered in coffee grounds at the bottom of the trash can. It didn't even make it to the recycling bin.

This doesn't mean I'm having an unhappy birthday - not at all. So far I have just lounged, drank a lot of coffee, caught up on my favorite blogs, and planned a long dog walk. Which is what I'm about to do.

urge to purge

2010-02-07T12:26:00.010-09:00

Uh-oh, I've been neglecting the blog again. But that just means I've been keeping myself busy in real life, and isn't that better?

I've been cleaning & organizing like crazy lately. One of my new year's resolutions is to go through EVERYTHING in the house and recycle, give away, or toss whatever we don't use/need/want. My honeypie and I are pretty good about keeping the house tidy, but it's amazing to see the amount of straight up junk occupying our closets. So, my first order of business in tackling the house: whip those closets into shape.

Here is a peek at our linen closet before. I counted FORTY FIVE pillow cases stashed in there! For 2 people?

And here is the after - much better, but still not quite what I'd like it to be.

This is embarrassing. This was my side of the bedroom closet. It had been in this sorry state for longer than I'd like to admit. Stuff was constantly falling off hangers and being stuffed into the shelves. Things that I wear weekly were mixed in with clothes that haven't fit in over a year. Ugh... there's another resolution.

I began tackling it by pulling stuff out and sorting it into piles. This isn't even all of it.

Finally - I can actually see my clothes! Since putting the closet back together, getting dressed in the morning is much more efficient.

I also cleaned up our library/craft room - check it out here. After cleaning out 2 closets and 1 room, there was an awful lot of stuff to kick out of the house. We had been saving magazines for ages. It's hard to let go of them after you pay up to five bucks a pop! But let go of them we did. This shows about half of the 'zines we ended up recycling.

With all of the stuff from the craft room, I more than filled our recycling bin (more like a dumpster - the thing is freakin' gigantic). Our fireplace seat is covered in stuff to donate - and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I still have to deal with the rest of the house!

weekend not away

2010-01-11T22:24:00.004-09:00

I thought we were going away this weekend. Visions of this cozy little cabin snug in the snow have been running through my head. Breakfast at the Talkeetna Roadhouse. Bundling up for a walk along the river with a big man and a small dog.

Poop. We're not going.

harumph

2010-01-05T10:42:00.002-09:00

Ok, so just a few days ago I couldn't say enough about how sweet and good my old ball and chain is. And then you know what? He thinks I am a 35 year old redhead. For reals. First off, I don't see how he can get my age mixed up. We have the same birthday, for crying out loud. I am exactly four years younger than him and I always will be. I am a freakin' baby of 32 compared to that old man of 36! And the redhead thing... he saw some dumb joke about brunettes on tv and laughed and said he wondered what life would be like if he had married one. And I responded with, 'Umm, you did.' Nope - he's completely convinced that he married a redhead. Now, it just so happens that I hold several redheads very near and dear - and as much as I'd like to be a member of the club (I have dyed my hair red a dozen times over the years, but not for a long time) I am just a brown head. Otherwise known as a brunette. A light brown head, but I'm pretty sure that's still brunette. Right? We've got black, blonde, red, brown, white, grey, and I think covers the hair colors.

In other news - my boss is gone. I mean she's completely gone! She put in her notice yesterday and our director told her to go ahead and leave. So there's a weird vibe running through the office now. She wasn't exactly fired, but that's what it feels like. We're all a little creeped out by the whole thing. She's a very nice woman, great at her job, not the best supervisor ever but oh well. She had a new plan on her back burner for several months and it came to light prematurely - which directly led to her cleaning out her office at 9:30 yesterday morning. Tearful goodbyes, awkward glances in the hallway, whispered conversations in the bathroom. Ick.

i made something...

2010-01-03T01:50:00.003-09:00

what a mighty good man

2010-01-02T16:37:00.005-09:00

I just gotta love that husband of mine. Have I mentioned how adorable he is? I hope he keeps the beard. It appears every winter without fail, but it always vanishes mysteriously after a couple of months. He says it's itchy. But beauty takes pain, right? If I were a man I'd love to mess around with facial hair. I'd switch around between big ol' chops, a handlebar moustache, various beards... but no goatees. I get the urge to reach out and shave them off. Ooh and no tiny moustaches, either. Ick.

2009-12-31T09:54:00.006-09:00

Happy last day of 2009 and Peace Everywhere! I big time dig the card illustration below - I only wish I'd thought of it first, but must credit this guy. I like you, Mr. Biggs! Can I please steal your ideas and run with them?

No major reflections on 2009 for me - it was a good year, full of family & friends (2 visits to Maine & NYC!), some much needed home repairs & decorating, loads of camping & exploring AK this summer, and some good times with me hubby... not to mention Mr. Obama. The more that I think about it, 2009 really has been a fantastic year! Hooray! Thanks!

I had a nice chat with Dear Old Dad this morning. He was pretty peeved that his trusty snowblower seems to have shat the bed. Seeing as they're anticipating the storm of the century in northern New England this weekend, it really is a drag. That and his super long driveway in the middle of nowhere. But, he's a scrappy fellow and always handy with a shovel.

I wish I could be there - I love a good storm. We're still fairly warm and clear up here. It makes for nice driving weather, but we really need a good snow to freshen things up. I hear there's a chance that the ice fog will be back soon, which would mean a return of the gorgeous frostiness we had until a few weeks back. Here are a few photos I took on December 12th:

beautiful

2009-12-30T21:29:00.000-09:00

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

have resolve, will resolve.

2009-12-30T14:34:00.006-09:00

I challenged sister Jessy to blog it up with me in the new year. So, Jessy, here goes!

Holy mackerel, it's been a while. So long, in fact, that I had given up on this here blog in favor of a shiny new one out there in cyberspace. But, after struggling to set up the new one I thought - why reinvent the wheel? Part of what made me want to ditch this one for keeps (I was going to delete or cancel or edit or something) was my initial theme here ~ Baby or Bust! I'm much more Busted than Babied lately, and feeling like I don't even want to think about it, let alone pour out my guts to no one in particular. So, guess what? I'm not dwelling on it. I will be in over my head eventually, but not today.

Today is for getting back into this. Not just this, but this is it - what a goofy name. I couldn't think of anything better back then. Ah well.

I'm loving this artist, Charley Harper. For Christmas, I got a memory game with his awesome images as a gift for my nephew... and another as a gift for myself. It's more fun than it sounds, and I see something new every time I look at it. Here are the pictures from a few of my favorite memory tiles:

March: Lion or Lamb?

2008-03-10T12:57:00.006-08:00

Uh oh - I've been caught sewing when I should be knitting! Sorry, babymakers! What a great example of me getting fired up for something.... and then something else... and then something else... and then on to the next big thing! Story of my life.

Here's my new project: staying warm. We've got house heating issues again. Danny and I went away for the weekend and came home to a cold house. Long story short - a new boiler system is being installed today. When you add in pimping my ride last month, that's more than $6k in gotta-do-it emergency fixes! What's going on here? It's a hard lesson in home economics. Thank you Danny for being so great with money!

At least the sun is free - and we've got lots of it right now. It's gorgeous out today - and so warm! We've been spoiled by an early spring here. I found pussy willows outside my office last week. I've got them in a canning jar on my desk. Over the weekend they burst into little pincushions, covered in pollen.

Outside we still have lots of snow and too much ice, but the roads are clearing up and the temps are above freezing. I think it's a trick, though. My mother in law reminded me of the 3 feet of snow we got on St. Patrick's Day a few years back. If spring is here, let it be. If not, bring on the snow. I like it. But I'm glad it's warm out today so Danny's not freezing in a house without heat.

fuel

2008-02-25T12:28:00.002-09:00

My sewing fire has been stoked by... a customer! The first official customer (the kind that pays money).
I can't say it enough, I just love this sewing thing. Making something cool & functional out of what was once a pile of fabric... how sweet is that?! I did make a total dud this weekend, though. It's so predictable and boring looking - but I did spend ages and ages sewing it perfectly. Or nearly perfectly. I'm sure it has a potential owner out there in the world, somewhere.

That's all for now - just thought I'd write a little. I'm trying to get better at this.

Actually, I have plenty of real news, too. More on that later.

another attempt

2008-02-15T09:24:00.004-09:00

Could I be worse at this blogging stuff? Seems pretty simple - but I haven't been very good at finding the time to do it lately. Actually, I've found plenty of time but have chosen to do things other than blog. Imagine that. So, what have I been up to since December 14, 2007? Not a whole hell of a lot, but here's a taste:

-Christmas was fun & wonderful, as always
-New Year's was terribly depressing, but who cares
-Still not smoking (almost 5 months, yeah!)
-Back on the WW - have lost 10.2 lbs to date
-I'm finally kicking some booty at work (it's taken a year to fix what my predecessors left me)
-My honeypie is now Officer Kelly... Anchorage Jail's finest
-My ride and I have been through a lot, financially speaking - but now I can drive again

But the most exciting development? I'm finally sewing! And sewing pretty well! And loving it! And wanting to teach the world my limited bag of tricks! I've already spread the joy to a couple of friends - uh oh, now I have competition. But, since my home computer has pretty much shit the bed, I won't be posting any photos any time soon. I'd love to, becuase I've made some really cool bags and pillows. Yes, basic stuff - but my own designs. My next projects (well, not necessarily immediately) are a robe and a chair slipcover.

Thanks for bugging me about blogging, Bee's Knees! There ya go. And now I know that a mulva is not a dog's crotch.

Money & Stuff

2007-12-14T08:36:00.000-09:00

Ok, so I screwed up. Repeatedly. I've never been great with money, but not what I'd call terrible, either. Ok, maybe bad? But I have no credit card debt and I'm proud of that fact.

Let me back up a bit. I am now on a Danny Designed budget after severely injuring my bank account over vacation. Today is the first pay day since the new budget was installed. I have set amounts of money for every comitment, including 'fun' money. It looks totally do-able and it's funny how the control is somehow liberating. I know that doesn't really make sense, but it has helped the nagging worries pipe down a bit.

The bummer is that all of this happened during The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Christmas is all about the big bucks, right? Alright, I know it isn't, technically. But I want to get a kick-ass holiday going and that involves spending the dough. So, I've toned down my plans quite a bit. Thankfully I'm just about done Christmas shopping - that's part of what landed me here in the first place! Nice going, Faith.

yikes

2007-12-05T22:20:00.001-09:00

Geez, Louise, there is so much weird stuff going on in Anchorage lately. For example, in the past week there have been 2 unrelated machete attacks. I've heard that we have one of the highest crime rates in the country. True? Hmm... lemme do a little research.

I don't know if that helped much. I poked around a little more and found that Alaska is the 7th most dangerous state in the country, based on reported crimes.

For more on the machete madness, click here for the first one and here for the latest.

Here we goesies.

2007-12-03T11:20:00.000-09:00

I dropped out for a while there... but here's the start of another effort at blah-blah-blogging.

Yesterday I returned from my big trip home, which was great. I got to spend a ton of time with my family, but not so much with friends. It went by so fast that I felt like I had no time to just chill. The usual vacation problem. Why does that happen? It's vacation, but ends up busier than real life. Not that I'm complaining! It's really nice to be home, though. Now I've got my Danny, my bed, my shower, my coffee maker... aaaaaaaaaah.

I'm struggling to stay awake through some serious jet lag. I was in airports & planes for 18 of the past 48 hours. The trip back was ok, but the trip there was hell. Imagine the worst stomach flu of your life. On a plane - make that 3 planes. From Alaska to Maine. Yeah, no thanks.

Yippee! Tonight my DVR will be capturing this for me:

Jeezum crow

2007-10-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Oops.

Danny is doing very well - no sign of freaky BP drama. His knee is still bothering him and we're in a bit of a battle with the hospital over who should pay for it. The good thing to come out of all that was that we're talking & thinking about our health more than we ever have. And, oh, what fun we have with that.

I had my follow-up appointment with the new doc today. We went over the results of my recent blood work & ultrasound. She told me to keep the WW going and we'd talk again in a few months. Geez. No congrats on quitting smoking, even! Huh?

It's no shocker I need to lose weight. So, finally, I decided to get a gym membership. One of the benefits of marriage is a cheap joint account at our local gym, where Danny's been a member for years. Tomorrow will be my first visit. That sounds great, no question here about the fact that exercising and eating better are better for me and my potential offspring. The best part - Danny's footing the bill. What a guy. I'm sure that means I'll have to play racquetball partner at some point...

Still no warmth from that doctor, though. During both visits I've had some pretty emotional moments - no response. When I leave I just feel discouraged. Blech. I know she's smart and experienced and has had great information and blah blah blah, but I really want to feel a connection. Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is when it comes to doctors. We've had such shit luck with other doctors lately that I feel like I should stick with her even though I'm not getting what I want out of it. Any advice out there? I also feel like jumping ship and finding another doctor. Or just saying screw it and going with a preferred provider to save some money. A significant chunk of money.

Another thing on this clinic... when I talked to the nurse last week, she said I'd most likely be prescribed Metformin based on my results. Nope. She also said I'd need the endometrial biopsy, which I prepared for today. Nope. The doc basically said 'Maybe someday...' on both of those. The doc also brought up Clomid at one point, but then changed the subject. When I asked about it, she said she's sure I need it, but doesn't want to give it to me now. I know, I know, I know, I know I know, because my bod's not ready. Man, don't fatties reproduce? Umm, yes, otherwise our population would be dwindling. Enough about that. It makes me kinda mad and sad.

Oh wait, there's more. When I got home from the doc's I turned on the TV just long enough to see a talk show all about dead beat dads and baby mama drama and meth moms... what the hell? Alright, I'm done being pathetic for now.

New news

2007-10-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

Jonny's home! I'll see him tonight and I'm totally psyched.

I talked to the nurse at my doc's office yesterday and she said:

-I definitely have PCOS
-My bloodwork looks ok so far (but they haven't received all of the results yet)
-My endometrium is too thick and I'll need a biopsy soon
-The enlarged ovary is just because of the many cysts, nothing scary

So - I can relax until my next appointment.

Thai Kitchen with Jonny tonight. Yum.

Alright already

2007-10-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

Wow - I know I went on and on with that last post, but there was a lot to say. I have trouble being brief sometimes. I should have emphasized that Danny is doing just fine, but we are keeping a close eye on how he's feeling. He does have a bum knee now, so he won't be returning to racquetball as soon as he'd like. I tried to call him at work a few minutes ago to check in and see how he's feeling, but he couldn't come to the phone. I could hear some patients screaming in the background so it sounds like a wild day at the psych hospital. I don't imagine he'll be able to rest his knee today. He almost stayed home from work, too, bummer.

So I know I shouldn't have, but last night I spent some more web time investigating the findings from my ultrasound. Why did I do that? I want to call my doc and find out what the deal is, but she probably hasn't even seen the pictures yet. I don't want to waste time worrying about nothing. What use does worrying serve, even if it is something nasty? Which it isn't.

No more hospital

2007-10-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since my last post - but we've had our hands full around here.

On Tuesday, Danny went to see his doctor and was prescribed medication for high blood pressure. His doc said that he wasn't sure whether or not he needed the meds, but said to try them and come back on Friday to follow up on some blood work. Danny took the first dose on Tuesday and the second on Wednesday. Throughout Wednesday, Danny noticed that he wasn't feeling great. When I came home from work, we looked at the info printed on the meds' insert and it said that a little light headedness at first was normal. Danny decided he felt well enough to continue with his traditional Wednesday (D's Friday) night plans - out for drinks with the boys.

Around 11:00, one of Danny's brothers, Patrick, and a friend, Angie, showed up at our house with a stumbling, out of it Danny in tow. Danny made his way upstairs and I helped him settle into bed in the guest room. I wondered what was going on - it's not like Danny to get plastered, which is how he appeared. Pat & Angie explained that Danny had something like a seizure while they were out and so they took him home. They hadn't seen it, but another friend said that Danny was sitting on a bar stool and suddenly his head tilted back, he made a snoring sound, and his arm shook at his side. Danny's eyes were half closed and he was unresponsive to voices or touch. After about a minute, he snapped out of it but broke into a heavy, cold sweat.

I called the local nurse emergency line to ask about the meds and tell them what had happened and they said to get to an ER right away. When I told Danny we were going to head to the hospital, he refused to go. This is not unlike him, as he's not crazy about doctors. But he wasn't speaking clearly and he was definitely not himself. So then I called 911 and paramedics arrived in about five minutes. They checked his blood pressure and saw that it was running pretty low (about 90/50) then ran an EKG. It was so surreal - all of this going on right in our bedroom.

The EKG results didn't show anything unusual, but the paramedics still said he needed to get to the ER. Once again, Danny said he didn't want to go. But they insisted, and after a while Danny finally agreed. He didn't take the ambulance, though - I drove. Pat met us at the hospital, which was nice.

In the ER, they ran another EKG with similar results. Danny was hooked up to BP, pulse, and oxygen monitors and had an IV site put in to draw several vials of blood. He was able to talk with the doctors and nurses, but Pat and I filled in a lot of missing information since he wasn't always making sense. The ER doc ordered a chest x-ray to see what might be going on with his heart. Danny was wheeled down to radiology on a gurney but during the x-ray he had to stand up. The wooziness came back and Danny blacked out again, this time falling onto the floor.

They quickly brought Danny back to the ER and hooked him back up to the monitors. What followed was the scariest time of my life. The new BP reading was even lower, and dropping. They hooked up a sugar drip to his IV and told me to keep him awake. Danny was unresponsive to all of my talking and poking. After a few minutes, an alarm went off on the BP monitor. Pat grabbed one of the nurses, who set the machine to continuous BP readings. The lowest reading was 66/34. They increased the IV drip and fluttered around the bed, adjusting wires and checking the monitors. They adjusted the bed to drop Danny's head below his heart.

Finally, after a long half hour, Danny's BP came back up. He was able to make eye contact again and then able to talk. While his pressure still wasn't ideal, it was stable and rising. The doctor came back in with results from the blood work and x-ray. Everything looked fine, so our likely culprit, the BP medication, was blamed. We were sent home at 5am with orders to take it slow for a while and watch for more dizziness.

I held it together at the hospital - it was like I was with one of my clients. I've done the medical emergency thing before with work, but never like this. On our way home, I cried a little with relief. On the phone with Mom the next day, I lost it. I hate to even think about how scary and unreal the whole thing was.

Danny still felt lousy on Thursday. I stayed home from work to be with him and we had visitors all day who had heard what happened and wanted to stop by. He slept a lot and barely ate, still feeling woozy.

On Friday, we both had doc appointments that had already been scheduled. Mine was back at the hospital for a pelvic ultrasound and a 2 hour fasting/glucose round of blood & urine tests. During the ultrasound the main findings were that I definitely have ovarian cysts (lots of them) and that my right ovary is much larger than my left. I'll learn more about all that in my next doc appt, at the end of this month. When I looked up 'enlarged ovary' online, all I found was awful stuff, so I'm done with that research.

Danny saw his doc (the one who'd prescribed the bad news meds)and told him what had happened. We expected an apology or something, but that wasn't going to happen. The doc did agree to take Danny off the prescription (we had already thrown it out, of course). Danny has another appointment coming up with a podiatrist to check out his foot, which has been causing him pain for years.

Well - after all that, we sure didn't feel like returning to the hospital. But we did. Tonight. When Danny blacked out and fell at the ER, he tweaked out his knee. He called the hospital tonight to let them know, and they asked him to come back in. So, back to the ER we went for more x-rays. They told him he has water on the knee and to take ibuprofen. We wanted to be on the safe side, and especially wanted to let them know he'd been hurt while under their care. Why did they make him stand when he was in there for blacking out? He could have at least leaned against something. Anyway, we're Hoping the hospital will spring for the second visit.

And I'm still not smoking.

First snow

2007-10-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, Danny woke me up before leaving for work to tell me that it snowed in the night! I popped out of bed to see, and it was just beautiful. We got a little over an inch of snow. As the day went on, some of it melted but most of it stuck around.

Nice - the first snow of the season. Early, too. We always have plenty of snow by Halloween, but usually don't get any 'til later in October. Now it's cold. It was only 19 degrees out when I got up this morning. My car didn't want to start. It seems a little soon to be plugging it in every night, but it really doesn't like the cold.

I was looking around online for a photo of our first snow and found this little piece about life in AK:

Anchorage is surrounded by mountains, the scenery is beautiful any time of the year. You can still find moose and squirrels and birds and even sometimes bears in the neighbourhoods around it. If you go outside of the city is another story. super wild. that's where it is richer, in the variety of fauna and just the views are breathtaking. You name it: Bears, Eagles, Fish, otters, Moose, Deers, even penguins.

Deers? Even penguins? Maybe at Santa's workshop.

Today marks one week since quitting smoking. I can definitely feel the difference in my chest. I can take big, deep breaths with no yuckiness. It feels great! As for the urge to smoke, it's still there, but not as strong as it was. I can smell the stink when I'm around smokers. I'm glad I don't smell like an ashtray any more.

Later on this week I'll be headed to the hospital for my blood draw. Danny will be making his own deposit, too. He got some solid advice from a friend who had the same testing: open the container before you get started. Good point, I thought.

Right Now

2007-10-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling much better. And lucky, really, to finally have a doc who knows what she's doing. This comment about the new doc, left by cd & sp, helped: She sounds really thorough and in the long run, that's what you want. This is definitely not "immediate gratification".

I remember when Carrie on Sex and the City said something like, 'Delayed gratification is a sure sign of maturity.' It struck me as true, making me think I hadn't quite reached that maturity level. I guess I'm still working on it. Not just with this whole fertility thing, but everything. I prefer instant gratification. Who doesn't? Danny. He's so damn patient and makes decisions with prolonged deliberation and debate. Me, I like a much faster pace. I'm not the most patient person on the planet, and it always surprises me how patient others can be. Especially my mate. Just one of the many ways in which we are opposites.

I stayed home from work for a while this morning nursing a headache. The headache is gone, but I wanted to stop in here before driving out to the office. This is the first day I've really wanted a cigarette. I'm sure the headache had something to do with that. But rather than delay my gratification, I am denying myself. Visualizing telling my doc a month from now that I still don't smoke is keeping me going right now. All of the other reasons & motivations are too long term to give me any satisfaction at the moment.

Ahh

2007-10-02T23:05:00.001-08:00

I just finished the last post and read it and thought - hey, I can handle this! Now I feel much better.

Thank you, computer.

Oh.

2007-10-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I had the appointment and I still don't smoke. That's about where I'm at.

The new doc went over my records from the old crappy doc and proved that, yes, the old doc was indeed crappy. For starters, she said she's not even sure I have PCOS. Of course, PCOS is a strange thing and weird to diagnose. But, my diagnosis was based on less investigation than the new doc would accept. So, I'm up for some blood tests. They will be going over 12 points - some hormonal, some insulin related, some I'm not even sure about. But I remember that her script had 12 bullets on it.

Danny is up for a little test of his own. Because this doc wants to cover all of our bases and start in the least invasive manner, Danny will be having a semen analysis. He took it very well when I told him about it, making lots of dorky jokes. Actually, he was so great about the whole thing! I came home from the appointment feeling pretty lousy and he was cuddly & supportive & sweet & funny. Just what I needed. Lucky man - he gets his jollies while I get the speculum. Again.

The doc was happy to hear about WW and said to keep that up. She seemed doubtful about my ability to quit smoking cold turkey. She was visibly shocked to hear that I'd been prescribed Glucophage by the old crappy doc without any testing first. If it turns out that I am insulin resistant and my blood levels show I can handle it, that will be the med we'll try first. If I'm not insulin resistant, then she wouldn't even recommend it. As for Clomid, she suggested we try it eventually.

Eventually. As in not today. I've been psyching myself up for today as the beginning of the whole deal and it turns out the beginning will take a lot longer than I thought. In my head, quitting smoking and working on weight loss were the beginning. But that's only part of it.

A scary thing she told me was that the whole time I haven't been having periods I should have been taking something to clean things out every couple of months. The build-up sitting there for so long screws up hormone levels and increases the chances for uterine cancer. Not that I'm freaking that I have cancer - but another test later on down the line will set that straight. I'll be having an endometrial biopsy, which sounds like a blast.

I know this isn't exactly the end of the world, but it got me so friggin down! I'm sure it's the combination of wrong-headed expectations & nicotine withdrawal, but I've become uber emotional. I cried on my way home from the appointment. Cried as I told Danny about it. Snapped at someone this morning (she deserved it, and the lecture I gave afterward). Smiled my way through my boss's baby shower. Cried again when my boss asked me how the appointment went. I'm not a crybaby, really! And the last thing I'd like to do is get all boo-hoo-hooey at work. I guess I'm human, oh well. I had another good cry when I got home tonight and saw the pamphlet, 'Understanding your fertility problems,'sitting on my coffee table like it belonged there or something! The cheesy 80's couple on the cover and the illustration of a semen sample inside... jeepers. It's written at about a 4th grade reading level, so it was actually kind of handy for the rate at which my brain is processing information lately. But depressing.

My next appointment is right around Halloween. We'll be reviewing our delightful test results. In the meantime, keep on truckin' with the WW. No smoking. Get on prenatal vitamins. Ok to still drink coffee - phew. Sounds like I'll need it.

Quitting & Starting

2007-09-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

September is running out - there is less than an hour left. I've been so focused on October 1st, and now it's practically here!

Tomorrow is a big day - not only the much anticipated appointment with the new doc, but it'll be my first day as a non-smoker. Again. Yes, I've quit several times before, with varying levels of success. Once for about 3 years, many times for just a few days.

I have a great feeling about this, though. What better reason could I have to quit? I cleaned the hell out of my car & Febreezed it beyond recognition. It now smells like the detergent aisle in the grocery store rather than a wet ashtray. Smoking in the car is always the hardest thing for me to give up. Well, so is smoking with a cup of coffee in my hand. Or a cocktail. Or any old time.

I had a great night on Friday but wiped out a little early. For a big, bad, last blowout before cleaning out my bod and starting on baby drugs, it wasn't all that wild. But it was nice to just chill out and have some girly chit-chat. Singing along to Prince was nice, too. I do highly recommend vodka + pomegranate juice. But perhaps not so quickly. Naw - no regrets, just a headache the next morning.

I was able to get myself going (thanks to a great home-made latte) in time for my WW meeting. Great news there - down 6.8 lbs in the 2 weeks that I've been back at it! That was a surprise, since I haven't really been following 'the plan.' I celebrated with the customary bagel & omelet brunch with my mother-in-law and friends. Shout out to The Bagel Factory. They have my order memorized - veggie omelet, no tomatoes, jalapeno cheese bagel, sun dried tomato cream cheese, hold the hash browns & trade 'em for an orange. Don't forget the salsa - and keep the coffee flowing. I always think I'll change this, but rarely do. I've been ordering the same meal there for years. I have a habit of doing that at all of my favorite restaurants. At Thai Kitchen it's all about the Shu Shee Pla. At Glacier Brewhouse it's blue cheese salad & bread pudding. Gimme the halibut tacos at Bear's Tooth.

I didn't plan on writing about food tonight. Nice how I toot my weight loss horn and go on to the rich meals I enjoy around Anchorage.

Anyway, I'll have a follow-up entry tomorrow on how the appointment goes. I'm sure it'll be great - she comes with such high recommendations. Danny and I talked about buying pregnancy tests in bulk after this. Seems funny right now, but maybe a good idea?

Off for one last smoke... maybe two. Then on to tomorrow.

Birds & Bees

2007-09-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

My 'pre-conception' appointment is coming up on Monday. I typed up a whole page of info to remember to tell the doctor and a bunch of questions for her. I had another little chat with my boss today about the doc. She's been seeing her pretty frequently lately, as her baby is due in less than a month. It's been really cool to watch the baby grow and get some of the inside scoop on how it all came about. My boss looks great - she's been taking such great care of herself and the baby. Good example for me, if I ever get there.

I keep swinging between feeling like this is going to take forever, not work at all, or be the golden ticket that works right away. Overall I'm just amped up to be getting started. Really getting started. Finally. Danny and I have been talking about having kids for years. We're constantly giving self-righteous speeches to each other about how our children will be raised. It'll probably all go out the window once it actually happens. If it does. And it will, right??? But how much can we actually plan about how we're going to raise and interact with someone who doesn't even exist yet!

I'm running out of time as a smoker... only a few more days left. I feel positive about it. I mean, I've done it before so I can do it again. This time I have an even better reason to quit - not that smoking was ever a good idea in the first place.

I missed WW last week due to my friend's wedding, but I'm going this weekend. We'll see how that goes, but I've been pretty good about avoiding ye olde gas station fare. I drive a lot for work and am easily tempted by junk that comes in a crinkly bag. Cheesy pretzel Combos became my poison this summer. And then there's the pizza. Danny and I have a pizza problem, there's no doubt about it. We even served it at our wedding.

And did I mention cream puffs? I miss midnight trips to Carrs with my good buddy Jonny! I miss him an awful lot. He's off on an adventure but maybe I'll see him over Thanksgiving. I hope so...

I need a raincoat

2007-09-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

We've got another cold, wet day here with snow falling at higher elevations. I can see the termination dust (winter's first snow on the mountains) collecting through the clouds. I'm so done with wet weather - gimme some snow. It is pretty, though. While I miss the oranges & reds of New England, I'm getting used to Alaska's golden autumns. After all, this is the time of year that I moved here. A couple of weeks ago, I celebrated my seven year anniversary as an Alaskan. Whoa!

I made a little headway on my photo printing project yesterday. A little. I was battling my printer and finally gave up after about an hour. I decided that, rather than wait for it, I would let it sit and think about what it did wrong. I went downstairs and had a bite to eat, only to return to find seven pages of fresh glossy prints all over my desk. They were all stuck together and ruined. Damnit! I was able to salvage some of them by cropping a lot, but overall it was a wasted effort. At least I know my printer is still working. Sort of.

Danny and I watched the first episode of the new Ken Burns documentary, The War, on PBS last night. I'd been looking forward to it for so long! I thought it was great, but seemed a little slower than The Civil War. We've got it set up to record on our DVR for the whole run.

I've always been very interested in WWII history. Not so much the war itself, but what happened to women and families on the homefront. I consider myself to be a pacifist, but the idea of virtually everyone behind the same cause fascinates me. That's far from the case with today's wars. But maybe I don't know enough beyond the glorifying books I've read. Was there much of an anti-war effort? How could there have been, considering what was happening in Europe. But then there were the Japanese-American internment camps. Americans weren't innocents. I guess I'll stop there, as I'm no historian and I have a lot more to learn.

QUIT SMOKING COUNTDOWN:
6 more days to treat my lungs like garbage

Weekend Wrap

2007-09-23T13:45:00.001-08:00

Danny and I went to a friend's wedding yesterday and met a guy who opened up about his wife's PCOS. His wife wasn't there to chat with, but he said they tried for SEVEN years before a successful pregnancy. Seven years?! And without medical intervention! No thanks, I thought to myself. But I was a little drunk at the wedding and so, of course, prattled on.

Then I heard today that the very dude rolled his car on his way home from the reception. He's ok - I guess he was sloshed enough to land softly. Yikes, I didn't realize he'd been drinking until Danny jogged my memory today. He should know, he tended bar for a while. So did I, but I was distracted by the need to eat, drink, and be merry. Kinda scary that the same guy who worked so hard to get his family in gear would be so irresponsible with himself.

I'll be getting the booze out of my system soon enough, so I was grateful that Danny was my driver. I've got plans with a friend to have a blowout this coming weekend - one last time before getting my bod nice and clean for baby-making. There will be many martinis and cigarettes.

This afternoon I'm finally going to print some photos to put up around our place. I bought a few nice frames and found places to hang them, now I just need to fill them up. Lots of wedding pictures, for starters. Then on to shots of our trip to Ireland, and any other cute pics we've got.

I'm also a little more busy when it comes to blogging. Just when I got the hang of this one, there are two more! I've got one I'm working on with my family, and another one with friends. I'll do my best to keep them up - I'm hoping they'll all do the same! Right, folks?

Heat Misers

2007-09-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

It's September in Alaska. We have fresh snow on the mountains around town, our first frost appeared yesterday morning, and my flip flops are gathering dust. Last week, Danny and I discovered that our heat wasn't working. Good thing to find it out now, before survival depends on it. Our house stayed at a cool 60 degrees with no heat, although we got the temp to jump up a bit downstairs when we did some baking.

Yesterday I came home from work to find Danny and a friend of his working away in our boiler room. They replaced the heater's motor and attached an air compressor to get the pressure up and now we have heat! The coolest thing about this was that Danny did lots of the work (he's 'mechanically minded,' as my dad put it) and the more complicated stuff was free labor from his buddy and his buddy's neighbor. We settled the deal with the promise of a bottle of rum for their trouble. What a bargain!

On another note - at my office we have Tae Bo on Monday & Wednesday afternoons. I joined in on yesterday's workout and it was a riot. I'd done it a couple of times before, but had forgotten how goofy it felt. The music, the spandex, the motivational narration - it all adds up to an entertaining little workout. I didn't know what I was doing, but I don't think that really mattered. I'll get the hang of it, I guess. I promised my fellow Tae Bo'ers that I'll keep it up. Paid to work out - why did I ever pass that up? Oh yeah - sloth. I googled sloth, and found the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz where I discovered I am headed straight to hell. Bummer.

Your Sins are Revealed, Your Fate is Sealed Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Sloth is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that codemns you to hell.

Greed: Medium
Gluttony: Medium
Wrath: Very Low
Sloth: High
Envy: Very Low
Lust: Low
Pride: Very Low

Now that my house is nice and toasty, I think I can handle it.

Sucked in

2007-09-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

Warning: The Internet Is Dangerous. I just wasted an hour surfing from hopeful to sad to terribly depressing pages and had to come back up for air. I love being able to find what I'm looking for, but hate being overwhelmed by a million answers that tell me my worst fears are true and that I have a lot more to worry about than I ever knew. I don't want to be blissfully ignorant, just a little less clueless. If the topic you're googling involves your health, then you must always brace yourself for a tidal wave of bad news.

What am I looking for? I don't know, really. I'd love to find a group of local women who are dealing with the same stuff. Come on, Alaskans, where are you? Our population is big enough, and I know I'm not the only one up here!

In other news, I dyed my hair today and it looks awful. I look nothing like the chick on the box.

Ahhh... weekend

2007-09-16T02:40:00.000-08:00

I had a pretty productive Saturday, which felt good. With the patient instruction of a friend, I was finally able to take on the curtain project. They're done and they look much better than I'd imagined. Almost straight stitching. Close enough. I also moved our coat hooks and put together a chintzy shoe rack, which got our entry cleaned up.

What else? Well, not much. The sewing took ages. I did go to WW this morning, though, as planned. It was a depressing number that popped up on the scale, but I just reminded myself that I'm starting over (again). Here goes.

I had the lofty ambition of printing out a bunch of photos and framing them before the end of the night. Instead, I screwed around with my photo software for hours. At least I got to feel like I'd done something halfway creative. We have yet to print or display any photos from the wedding. Not that we want the house covered in them, but there were some nice shots. Other than those, Danny and I have hardly any decent photos of the two of us. Neither one of us is particularly photogenic, so it takes a lot of luck and/or skill to catch us both looking good.

Looks like I ought to get to bed. A little too much coffee, I think. Otherwise, why would I still be awake? It's just past 3:00 in the morning. Danny will be waking up for work in just a couple of hours. At least it's dark outside this time of year so I can actually get to sleep once I really try.

Can weld. Can't sew.

2007-09-14T13:36:00.001-08:00

I bought a sewing machine a few months before my wedding with big plans to become an expert and sew a zillion tablecloths. I did learn how to thread the bobbin and operate the thing - but I am far from being able to sew in a straight line. My big project to do at home is hemming our bedroom curtains. Pretty simple, right? But the main thing there is creating the elusive perfect hem. A couple of friends are coming over this weekend to give me a tutorial, so hopefully we'll have decent curtains by Sunday night.

In other news, I'm going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow. Like one of my old college pals, I need to get the bod ready for the babe. I was able to lose quite a bit of weight with WW last year, but since the wedding I have given up and gained back more than I'd like to admit! So, it's off to WW I go with my mother in law tomorrow morning. Lucky for us, that will be followed by a tasty bagel breakfast. Yum. I have to build up my strength for a frustrating afternoon of struggling with the curtains.

On to... ???

2007-09-13T15:08:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading through my friends' blog about adventures in baby-making. I'm now feeling more educated on the topic, but behind the times! If we hadn't waited until getting married to get down and dirty with fertility drugs, maybe we'd be parents by now! But who knows? I'm feeling impatient and worried about what will happen once we officially move down that path. It won't be long now until I know just how it feels to get my hopes up every month while dealing with screwy hormones every day. The end result is what we're looking for - parenthood. But who knows? My friends have been trying so hard for over a year with frustrating results. They have a huge additional challenge, in that they're a lesbian couple so they're working with insemination (and moving on to IVF) - but it all looks the same to me at this point. The one-up they have on me is that they're both women, and they're both totally committed to the process. Danny is all for it, don't get me wrong, but I don't think he really knows what we're in for. Then again, neither do I, truly.

Lady Parts

2007-09-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

So. I'm infertile. Yes, it's true. Kind of relieving to write that down, actually, although it still feels like a dirty little secret in some ways. Not dirty - shameful somehow. I know that's not a good attitude, but hard to snap out of, nonetheless. 4 years of good old fashioned unprotected hetero-lovemakin' hasn't knocked me up. Now that I'm married, we're ready to rock and roll on baby making and we're enlisting help.

I went to my regular MD on 8/16 and was disappointed. I knew more about the topic of my PCOS than she did. I left my appointment bewildered, holding a prescription that was written way too easily. The script is for Glucophage, but I didn't fill it. I don't want to be put on meds that both my doctor and I don't understand!

Later, I talked with my boss about it. Normally, my lady issues wouldn't be discussed in my director's office. But my boss has the same condition and is very much pregnant. Yeah! Hope! She referred me to her OB/Gyn and I set an appointment for 9/10. I had to re-schedule due to issues with Danny's insurance (I just barely made it onto his policy) and I'll be seeing her on 10/1. That's my new quit smoking/drinking/all that good stuff date. More on that later.

Yesterday I spent an awful lot of time online searching for a reproductive endocrinologist in Anchorage. Then in Alaska. No luck on either. It looks like the fertility-challenged folks of Alaska have to fly down to Seatle for help from experts. Not to say that I'll definitely need it - but it's highly recommended. I'll just ask my new doc about it. Hmm.

Might I Mortify?

2007-09-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

Well - here I am. I thought I'd give blogging a try, since I've been enjoying my friends' writing. I used to be a dedicated journal keeper, but that's become less and less frequent as the years roll by. Last week I was doing a little organizing in the library and couldn't resist taking a peek at fifteen-year-old-Faith. I got sucked right in. There I was, in all of my self-conscious teenage glory. Wow. I just might have to scan some of it in here and post it.

I've heard some readings from teen journals on NPR's This American Life from the show/collective/web community Mortified. Worth checking out. I'm thinking about posting there - I'll just have to think about how mortifying I'd like to appear.